Toph Speaks

Members of the congregation, good evening. We are gathered here today to start a new beginning. Today, my family, is a new day. Church is in session. The Church of Toph is on the horizon. Look at the glorious sun rise brothers and sisters and worship at The Church of Toph. In The Church of Toph no lady will be turned away. Unless she is fat and ugly. The Lord can fix the fat, but He cannot do anything with the ugly. If a man walks through the door and he is sexier than me he will be turned away. Luckily, my children we will not have that problem. No sir. Family there are rules to abide by. Yes, Lord there are rules to abide by.

Pope Bene XVI

Reverend Toph Miller I

Bishop Ray of Porn

Bishop Ryan of Drunken Antics

Bishop Bisch of Reason and Logic

Bishop Jon of Drugs and Alcohol

Bishop Christian of Skillets

Bishop Beau of International Affairs

Church will start promptly at 11 on Saturday’s. Unless there is a UT game on, then we will work around that. The Lord knows you have a hangover and he does not want to see you miss The Church of Toph. There lights will be low, as to not affect your headache. The lights will also be low, because I understand your needs no to be seen by the Church, the whole Church, and nothing but the Church of Toph while you grope your sexy lady.

Ladies will be required to wear skirts in the house of the Lord.

If you can scroll up to the picture above, you will see my attire for service. This attire will make you horney and ready for sex.

Service is BYOB, but is sponsered by Miller Lite, the official beer of The Church of Toph.

The choir will be a lot like the skillets on Deal or No Deal, except they will be in skirts. Short, glorious skirts.

When we take communion, brothers and sisters, we will take a shot of Patron and eat Vanilla Waffers. I love Vanilla Wafers and soon you will too. Yes, Lord.

Marriage will now be consemated by having a three way with The Rev. Toph. In other words, me. However, the male of the relationship will be required to record this glorious event with a handycam and not participate. This accomplishes two things. 1. It allows you to see your lady in a whole new light. 2. It feels good.

Instead of throwing the bouquet, the lady will take the condom off with her teeth and throw it at the single gals. This will not only be fun to watch, but also fun to participate in. The garter will no longer happen, and there is nothing to take it’s place.

Sexual Counsling is available in The Church of Toph. However, dumplins, if I am busy, you may take counsling from the Bishops Ryan, Bisch, Ray, Jon, Christian, and Beau.

The Bishops will fill in during times of crisis. Let’s say for instance there is a nuclear war and we only have room in the nuclear war cellar for Rev. Toph and 10 other people, the Bishops understand that they must let 9 ladies in and stand die with pride. That’s the relationship we have.

In case of a nuclear war it is Rev. Toph’s job to repopulate the world with 10 of the sexiest skillets. Skillets will be chosen by the Bishops and the Rev.

Pope Benedict XVI is still the Pope, but most importanly, he is Toph’s father. He will get a big-up to close every service.

Offering will be a combination of money and cigarettes. The money will go to charity/strippers, the cigarettes will go to the Rev. and the Bishops.

Skillets will be had.

Let’s pray.

Amen.