Toph Speaks

Dear god it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Have you all missed me? Well, fuck you, too. I’m going to go right into my rants and things I hate, and get right to the questions. There are so many that who knows if I will find the time to get to them all. By the by, thank you guys for keeping the questions pouring in. I’m starting to get a lot of questions that have already been answered, whether it’s your lack of creativity or something else, but please check past ask toph’s to see if you already have an answer. Just subscribe and you’ll get the whole list of the blogs.

OH! Real quick, the Laces Out Romo shirts. I’m sorry you all missed out. Some of you got your orders in, but some of you waited too long. Romo’s agent email Ray and told him that he couldn’t keep our shirts up or he would sue us for using the copy written name. So, we were forced to take them down. I apologize to those who didn’t get one, but you can always get a nice skillet, kitchens, or gravy noodles shirt for yourself. Word.

Now, what about things I hate? Oh, yeah, I get to tell you about them. Asians. I don’t hate asians, in fact, I love them. They’re great for sexin’, massages, and cooking, but they hit an age when all that goes away. I’m not sure what age that is, but it happens somewhere between being hot and going to Chinatown everyday. The older Asian ladies are possibly the most evil people alive. They spit, push, hit and do everything else possible to get you out of the way. For instance, one morning on the 1 California (the new bus I take for my new job) I was seated calmly, listening to my iPod, minding my own business. That’s when this little old Chinese lady came and stood in front in front of me. I didn’t get up for her, because I don’t have to get up for her. The first six seats are for old people, handicap, and homeless people, not the back. She spit at my feet, cussed me, and possibly put a curse on me. I don’t know, I don’t speak Chinese. Anyhow, the older Asian ladies, for the most part, look like they are 20 years past their death days. The younger Asians look amazingly hot, and young. So, at what point does this change? When they hit 50 do they expire? Is this what happens when you look hot all your life? Why can’t they just look hot forever? WHY?!?

Paul in St. Petersburg, FL. – Hey, Toph. So, I feel weird for asking this, but how do I make man-friends? I’m not gay or nothing, I just don’t have any friends. I need help.

Congratulations on coming out. This is supposed to be a big day for you, isn’t it? I mean, shouldn’t you have some sort of a parade? Some people think that I, being the ladies sexer that I am, think you people should be treated like the paper I wipe my ass with. Well guess what. I don’t. I think you should be embraced by the gay community. Typically, gays workout a lot. They are sensitive, and they love to go shopping. All things that I hate doing. So, if you’re gay, then I can pawn the chick off on you. Thanks for being a gay-bo.

Raymond in O.C. CA – Toph, where has Lost been? When does it come back?

Sup, Ray… mond. Lost has gone through what people call sweeps. Basically, sweeps set the advertising cost for each major TV station (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX). If I recall the number 1 through 4 went, CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox was a distant last. But, I could be wrong. All shows go through 2 seasons within a season. You get the season premier, shows, season finale, then a break, and then they come back with the same thing. Lost is on a high pedestal and they pretty much do whatever they want, and that’s the reason they aren’t coming back till February. However, we get like 16 new episodes in a row when they do come back, and that might be a first for Lost.
While I’m on the subject of TV, I will keep it going for a bit longer. First of, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody have broken up. That means, I have a chance. She was seen getting her stuff from his place. I was seen behind the bushes. TV will mourn now that the OC has been canceled. Sorry, Raymond, but that’s about your city. Black Groundhog’s Day, otherwise known as Taye Diggs in Black Groundhog’s Day was canceled. Amazing, Big Day, is still going. Marla Sokolof is hot, so you should watch. NBC is kicking my ass. Thursday night is amazing. Watch it. Earl, The Office, Scrubs, 30 Rock… BRILLIANT! Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have broken up, too. Apparently, he’s trying to hook up with Scarlett Johansson. I’ve killed for less than that. And, you thought ‘06 was the year of K-Fed? Just wait for the amazing stories you’ll hear this year. Apparently, he tried to return $15K worth of clothes Brit bought him. Hilarious. He was denied. Beckham is now with the L.A. Galaxy and surprisingly no one in America cares about soccer.

Diane in Jackson, MS – Toph, I was thinking of killing myself. Should I?

Eh… it’s definitely something to think about. You’re kinda hot, so I don’t know. I’m so indecisive when it comes to saving other people’s lives. Okay, if you’re not planning on changing anything, then go ahead and kill yourself. Here’s why. You’re very kind of hot. You confuse me with the kind of hotness factor. I know that whenever i am confused with the kind of hotness factor, that I will do you and that’s it. That’s how we all feel. So, you’re going to have to step it up if you want me to tell you to live. First off, move out of Mississippi, and work out. I want tight abs, a tight ass, and your boobs are great. Go to a salon and fix your hair. Then, get your nails done. Get your eyebrows waxed, and maybe go ahead and get your lip waxed. Laser surgery your underarms, and go ahead and get you vag lasered, too. Listen, I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want to fuck. Pick up a Maxim and start emulating. You think we have unrealistic expectations? We don’t, they’re very realistic. Look at the magazines. Women like that do exist, and you can be one. You think the Hometown Hotties aren’t real? Step it up. Wear nice thongs, a skirt, and a sexy little shirt and we’re in business.

Everyman in Everywhere, USA – Toph, what happens when your girlfriend starts to suck?

Break up with her. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a decision to keep a lady or stay with her. Now, it could easily happen when you decide that, “Shit, I’m 25. If I get rid of this bitch then I could live the dream. I make plenty of money to where I could get a sweet place of my own, put in a pool table and a flat screen, and fuck bitches all night. I could be invincible.” But, listen, no one is me. You might want to rethink it. She cooks for you, you’re almost guaranteed sex when she’s not pissed at you. She’ll show up to events with you, and she won’t complain all the time. I mean sure, sometimes when you’re at am amazing party she’ll get a headache and ruin your fun. Or, if you want steak, she’ll want a salad. Of course, that makes you look like a fat ass. You can go a head and count on her not laughing at your jokes, and making you feel like shit on a daily basis. She will also hate you looking at porn, watching football, well, every sport, and sitting around in your boxers and socks scratching your balls. She doesn’t like that. Also, go ahead and tell your friends goodbye. Unless they’re in a relationship with a girl she likes, then you won’t get to see them ever again. She won’t tolerate the friend who’s with a different chick every time either.
WHOA!!! Dump her and fuck every lady you see!!!

What I am watching – Football Playoffs | Gray’s Anatomy | Earl | The Office | Scrubs | 30 Rock

What’s Playing on my iPod – Social Distortion | Ludacris | James Brown | 8mm

Skillet of the week – Maria Sharapova – She was just named top seed at the Australian Open. She’s top seed in my heart.