Why do we date chicks? It’s pretty fuckin’ simple. Through the creative minds of Christian and Toph, I bring you ladies these revelations. Bits and pieces are taken from a real life conversation between Christian, Toph, and the 5 other women we are currently poking.
Let’s face it; being in a relationship is not the ideal situation for any guy. But, it’s something that we all must do at some point in life. Why? Because it teaches us something about ourselves, and it prepares us for when we become 50 and must settle down. We don’t want to be in a relationship. If it were up to us, our day would proceed as follows: we would wake up, shower, go to work, come home, play video games, eat, smoke, go to the bar, watch sports, take a chick home, sex, and repeat. That’s right. Repeat. Every day for the rest of our lives, or until we turn 50, which ever comes first. Why we let relationships come in and ruin this for us is beyond me. Let’s say you are rich. I’m talking butt-filthy rich. You live in the Virgin Islands, and you do nothing all day. Would you ever think, “Screw this, I’m going to go to work at a factory in Detroit. Give all my money away, and get nothing in return.” No, you would never think this, because you wouldn’t want something shitty to come in and ruin your good time. It’s ridiculous. Yet, we do this every day with relationships. We allow something to come in a ruin our fun, because we want to have sex with it more than twice. Yes, twice. I believe that once you poke something three times, it’s over. You’re in a relationship. You can do her once, and it’s fun. You can do her twice because you want to remember that good time, but if you pick up your phone to do it just one more time you are screwed and stupid.
There are things that happen once you cross the third time. She stays the night with you. She’ll watch Desperate Housewives with you, except you can’t mention how fucking hot Eva Longoria is. She’ll make you put away the Maxim, because it creates unrealistic expectations of what she’s supposed to look like. She’ll disapprove of your porn, because, again, it creates unrealistic expectations of how she’s supposed to be in the bedroom. You get a huge new TV and you’re being forced to watch “The Bachelor.” Not cool, man. The game is on.
Here’s the deal, ladies. Look at Maxim to understand what I want in a woman. Watch porn to understand how I want you in the bedroom. And never turn my TV to “The Bachelor” when the game is on. I don’t give a shit what game it is. Don’t touch it. She will make you hang out with her friends, and damnit, her friends are hot, but you can’t even bang them. Can you believe it? Here is a chocolate cake. You can’t eat it, but I want you to have it. Same thing.
No man should enter one of these relationships, unless some things are understood. I expect that as my belly gets bigger, yours gets smaller. When you are on your period, I get 2 blowjobs a day, you don’t talk, and you stay in another room. If not, then we will cheat on you for that period time. If you are thinking of starting a fight, hand me a Playstation controller and go fingerbang yourself in the bedroom. Don’t come back until you’ve forgotten what you were mad at. And you better be ready for sex when I want it. Not when you want it. I don’t have time when you want it. You have time when I want it, because you are to be ready at all times. I don’t care where, just be ready.
You don’t have to cook. You don’t have to work. You don’t even have to talk to me.
You do have to be ready at all times. You do have to laugh at every joke I tell. And you do have to be hot. That’s it. Is that so hard?
Some of you have fallen into the trap, and that’s fine as long as the above is agreed on.
If it’s not, then remind her who you are. Let her know that it’s possible for you to go home with a different woman every night. Let her know that you choose to do her three times. Keep three to four girls you can track down at any point. This will remind her that you have places to go if you want. Smoke in your house. Remind her that with her gone you could have a Wii, PS3, and an XBox 360. You’ll have a TV bigger than the movie theatre (with surround sound), fully stocked beer fridge, cigarettes everywhere, and Raven Riley on your computer at all times. She may not get it, but she will.
If you’re going to do this to yourself, then you might as well have fun. I don’t want to hear anyone say, “But, Toph, she so hot.” They’re all hot. There is no such thing as a special lady, or the one. They can all be the one, so there’s no reason you should put up with one that makes your life stupid. Leave that to the other idiots who don’t read my blog.
Your life doesn’t have to suck. You make the decisions. I believe in you. Make it happen.
