Toph Speaks

Am I now a Niners fan? No. Is she hot? Yes. And that’s what I am here to do, bring you hotness, and relieve your Friday work boredoms. Why do we have to work on Friday’s anyway?
I actually have nothing to rant about today. What’s my life coming to? I mean, it’s a beautiful day here in San Francisco. You know what I love about beautiful SF days? Otherwise ugly people start to get hot. It’s usually so cold here that everyone is bundled up all the time. You can only see their bodies when you hit the gym. Believe it or not, I have been going to the gym to both look at the sexy ladies, and lose this belly that’s grown with beer and time. San Francisco, as I’ve said before, is a land of ugly. However, this place is very sexually free, so you start seeing a lot of naked people around this time. You take the good with the bad, naturally, but this city loves to wear skirts. I love chicks that wear skirts. Well, I have one rant. Fucking UNC. Now, on to the questions…

Joe in Bald Knob, AK – How do I attract the ladies?

Hahah… Bald Knob.

Heather in Johnson City, KS – Hey Toph, I’m seriously considering becoming a lesbian. What has happened to the men of the world?

Seriously? What’s up these cities today? So funny. Heather, I’m not sure what’s happening to the men of the world. I would like to chalk it up to trying too hard. I’m actually going to answer both yours and Joe’s question together. In order to attract the ladies you can’t be too aggressive, and above all, you can’t be a douche bag. (I love that douche bag is still in my vernacular.) The more I go out, the more I see it. Why are you people having such a hard time picking up the ladies? It’s the easiest thing in the world. It really is. The hard part is what to do after, but getting them is easy. Please follow these steps, and you should succeed 99.8% of the time.

1. Dress normal. Leave the collar down, iron your shirt, keep the pants balanced between baggy and tight, fix your hair, and brush your teeth. Do not wear a suit (unless you’re at that place). Don’t put too much shit in your hair, and don’t be tanner than she is. Seriously, dude, you look like an idiot.
2. Smile. Don’t be the creepy guy that looks like he is about to rape and kill her. You know what never works? Rape. I have never met a girl who has said to me, “You’re cute, but I really want you to rape me.” You know why? Because, chicks don’t like it. Stop doing that look. Smile and be friendly.
3. Look at her, it helps, and not just her tits. (But you should know what her body looks like)
4. Listen to her. I’ve said these things so many times, and it seems like no one listens to me! I know you don’t give a shit about her hopes and dreams. I know you don’t give a shit that her boyfriend left her for another chick. No one cares, trust me, but you have to seem like you do care. Don’t sit and wait for your turn to talk. It gets you no where. Although, I’ve meet a couple of chicks who won’t shut the hell up, and don’t allow me to talk. Avoid them, because they never change. I’ve known a couple of chicks for a few years now, and I think I have said 5 words to them. The worst part is, I couldn’t care less what they’re saying me. I will never want, nor need to sex these chicks. They probably won’t shut up while we’re doing it.
5. Don’t buy her drinks. You can buy her one, but that’s it. Why? You don’t want sloppy sex. Guys who say they do want sloppy sex, suck in bed, and that’s the only they can get the chicks to enjoy it. It really sucks for them. Plus, you become her meal ticket, and do you want that? I know you have money, but there’s no reason she needs to know it.
Now, Heather, the reason you want to be lesbian is because there’s a terrible trend of overall douchiness happening with my fellow dudes. I’m trying to fix it. Spend a night with, and I’ll change your mind. I’m in the book, under Toph. No last name.

Sanjaya – Hollywood, CA – Toph, I just want to say you’re brilliant. I asked you how I could survive on AI, and what you said worked. You are a true master of the world.

I held up my end of the deal, now, bring me your sister. Seriously, or you’re gone next week.

Ray in SF, CA – Are you sure don’t want to go back to Dallas? I mean, look at this.

My mom asked to stop using this language, but… Fuck! Maybe I do…

Phil in Dallas – Toph, please explain, if you can. You lived in Dallas, and the Mavs, Rangers, Cowboys, and Stars sucked. You move and the Mavs have the best record in the league, the Cowboys made the playoffs, the Stars have clinched the playoffs, and Rangers are looking to make the playoffs. The Mavs visit Golden State, where you live now, you go to the games, and they lose. And, UNT makes the NCAA tournament. Please, explain.

Win one for the Toph? Listen, Phil, I can’t explain it. The only difference is I live here and not there. I mean, I watch every game still, and I go to them when they are here. One of the hardest things to do is be a transplant fan. Do you know how many times I have to open up my wallet to prove I’m not on a glorified all-Dallas bandwagoner? I get called out in every bar, and at every game. It’s the reason I won’t get a California drivers license. (Well, that and the fact my license is suspended due to too many unpaid Dallas speeding tickets.) You have no clue what it’s like having to prove you’re a fan. So, you know what Phil, suck it. Suck it hard. Please remember, while I live in Dallas the Stars won a Cup, the Cowboys won 3 championships, the Horns won the National Championship in Football and Baseball, and the Texas Wesleyan Rams won the NAIA National Basketball Championship, plus numerous Table Tennis titles. I can’t believe I just said that.

Charlotte in Syracuse, NY – I love you, Toph.

I love you too, Dumplins.

(Toph’s note: There will be a Toph’s Sextionary coming soon. It’s in development. Also, the Toph Blog may be moving over to Blogger or something. If you care, or don’t want it to, say something. If you don’t give a shit, say nothing. But know this, I hate you.)

What I’m Watching – Not a damn thing while I anticipate the new shows next week.
What I am Listening to – Ben Folds | Gym Class Heroes | Lily Allen | Greg Laswell | Razorlight | She Wants Revenge

Skillet of the Week – April Scott – Who is she? She is some hot chick in the straight to DVD Dukes of Hazzard.

Late.