Toph Speaks

GP are you with me? Does anyone remember Kirk Franklin? I used to love Kirk and God’s Property. Unfortunately, Kirk and I had something in common, we both love porn. That’s not unfortunate for me, but for a guy with a Christian gospel group? Yeah, it’s not good. Haven’t heard much from GP since then. You know who else loves porn? Jared from Subway. I know! Check this out. Why is today so much about porn? Well, it’s not to see how many visitors I can get by writing the word porn. What kind of blogger would I be if that were the case? Completely off topic, I hate the Warriors. Now, on to the questions…

Melinda in Belin, Germany – Toph, I live in Germany. So, it’s OK to shit on people during sex where I come from. In fact, it’s encouraged. Would you shit on me?

–Maybe, I mean, I need to see a picture. I’m very choosy about who my turds touch.

Bill in Brooklyn, NY – Toph, How do I get my girl to be cool with having sex while we watch porn? Cause, I mean, I’ve seen her tits and ass a bunch of times… so it would be nice see some new boobies while we’re doing the bang bang.

–I just want Bang Bang Bang. Bill, there are a couple of ways to introduce porn into your relationship, and I’ll break them down for you. I love breaking things down, and today is no different. A popular way is to just flip through the channels, arrive at porn on HBO (softcore, but we’ll get to that), get a boner, and look at the lady and make it happen. Then, once she settles with the softcore, you’re money after that. Another angle is to let her walk in while making yourself happen, and see how she reacts. Most girls, if they have any dignity, will finish the job. My favorite is starting her out on tape, then allowing the natural progression of sex happen. She’ll start to come through in the clutch, plus you’ll see just how freaky your chick really is. And trust me, Bill. You’re chick is really freaky.

Bob in Perth, Australia – Toph, some of the people I work with are real dicks. I want to quit my job and/or kill them – What should I do?

–Go with your head, Bob. I wouldn’t quit your job or kill them, though. I would slowly break each one down one by one. Get into their heads, and psych them out. Steal stuff from them, call in sick on their behalf, and sleep with their wives. I believe in you, Bob.

Ray in Somewhere, Hawaii – Hey Toph, now that I live in the land of hot, tan ladies, and I don’t even have a job, what should I do? I mean my lady works and takes care of me…so I’m bored. Help me?

–It’s all going to start in here. I’m pointing to my heart, Ray. There are tons of fun, yet educational activities to stimulate your happy factor. I’m leaving out the obvious, of course. I once knew a guy who reinvented the wheel. Maybe you should try to reinvent something. Here’s a list of things you could reinvent: Cheetos, the telephone, Jenga, chafing, and how about rap music. That should hold you over for a while.

Rebecca in Denver, CO. – Hey Toph, is Lost really about purgatory?

– At this point, who the hell knows? This was one of my, and many others, predictions early on. I had abandoned that theory by the time I learned that there was a submarine that took people back and forth from life and the island. Now, with that said, we saw Juliet arrive on the island. She was not dead, and it’s going to be a stretch to get me to believe she somehow died on her way to the island. Last week, we even saw when Ben arrived on the island. How crazy was last week? Seeing him kill all the Darma people was nuts. Ben freaks me out. What was with that Jacob stuff? Some say that Jack is Jacob. After Jacob was reviled last week, we see that it can’t be Jack who is Jacob. However, now people are saying it could be Jack’s Dad. Check the slowed down video. This might further the idea of purgatory, because then you’ve seen the return of Jack and Locke’s fathers. What I do wonder is that we’ve seen people die on the island, have we not? Now, when the chick fell from the skies, the Purgatory theory was again evaluated. I mean, she said that they found the plane they crashed in, and there are no survivors. The only problem I have with this theory is where are all the survivors? Did they immediately go to Heaven or Hell? Basically, I freaking love Lost, and I’m sorry if people don’t.

I love you. Toph.