I haven’t been on a first date in fuckin’ forever. Not gonna lie, there’s something awesome about first dates, too. I mean, so many things have to go right, right? Do you pick her up? Do you meet her there? Will you be more under dressed than she (which likely means to her you’re not interested)? Do you do dinner? Drinks? Hang with friends? Meet the parents? What do you talk about? Yourself? Listen to her? What if she gets something in her teeth? Do you order for her? Pull out her chair? Do the bill dance? Do the no pants dance? Kiss her good night? Ask if you can bang at her place instead of yours? Or in alley (you know who I’m talking to)?

Fuck, first dates are awesome.

But, you can really eff it up. Here’s my top 10 things to not do on a first date (these are from friends and past experience).

10. If you see your ex while on a first date, don’t spend the next 20 minutes chatting with him. Really? How about when I’m doing you tonight you call me by his name? Wouldn’t that be fun for everyone involved?

9. Maybe it’s a good idea to brush your teeth before we get together. Or, when dude comes to get you, maybe it’s a good idea not to smell like garlic (I actually like that smell).

8. If you look at the clock, and you’ve been talking for 10 minutes, you should stop. I had a chick that talked for a solid 20 minutes and had yet to touch her food. Problem was 3-fold. 1a. I didn’t care about what she was talking about. Helping kids in Cambodia? That’s the Cambodian’s job. 2a. I was done eating when she started. 3a. She didn’t put out.

7. Don’t assure the dude that you’re clean and have been recently tested for STDs… at dinner… without being prompted. At least wait till we’re doing it.

6. Also, we don’t need to know how many people you’ve done on the first date. That’s second date conversation.

5. Don’t mention that you’re running out of time for rearing children. My friends say I’d be surprised how often that happens. If a chick tells you that, how many condoms are you putting on when you do it? 6? 7?

4. Don’t tell me about when you were a model. Bitch, you’re not one now. I once had a girl spend the whole night talking about her modeling career. It ended when she turned 9. She was 18 on our first date. I stuck it, but never returned her calls to my dorm room machine.

3. Don’t just let me pay the bill. How I Met Your Mother is a good show, and reminded me of this time I got pissed at this chick for not even acting like she was going to pay half the bill. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. We’re not going to make you pay. You know it, I know it. At least pretend that you’re going to pay. Also, don’t get pissed when I do pay the bill. I once had a date who was furious that I paid the bill. No one will want to date you, lady.

2. I honestly can’t decide if this is good or not, but maybe it’s not the best idea to pull me into an alley and tell me to stick it right there on the first date. I say it’s effin’ gold, but my friend seems to think it was a bad idea. Granted, he’s right, how many other dudes has she done this to? But, also, how many dudes hasn’t she done this to? My argument is how many chances do you get to go free willy into a chick in a seedy alley? Probably not many. His argument is that’s definitely something for the second date. He’s right. Doing it sans condom in an alley with a skirt lifted is definitely second date territory.

1. I’ll let her tell you who she is in the comments if she likes, but my friend wins the What Not to Do on a First Date Award… hands down. Take it away, friend…

I did some crazy shit once on a 1st date.
I was unemployed, depressed as hell, but somehow managed to score a date with this beautiful guy from New Zealand.
I was nervous as hell and had a few drinks at dinner, then we go to Dave and Busters
and I run into my crazy friend and her Spaniard fiance, and she and I start drinking
heavily.
I ended up getting so drunk I fell off my stool while playing a game, and they 86′ed me and banned me from D&B.
Never saw the kiwi again, obvs
I went home with my friend and puked that night and the next morning.
Then I went home – still drunk – and realized I had a 9 am appt with my therapist
who was always saying she was concerned I was an alcoholic.
I spent the next hour trying to act sober.

Yeah… um, definitely don’t do that.

Welcome to everyone’s favorite annual blog – Grading the Halloween Hotties – where I break down the sexiest and worst ladies costume’s of the past Halloween. This year it seemed the recession caused some ladies to put clothes on, rather than take them off. Guess when you’re looking for a job you can’t risk a potential employer finding you naked. Makes sense to me, I guess.

As always, here’s our rating system.

– Halloween Royalty.

– Trick or Treat? Either way we still win!

– You put in the effort, and that counts.

- What?! Go home… no candy for you. You’ve had enough.

– - Dude, it’s ok! There’s a nurse right behind you… Speaking of… hello, nurse.

– – I really wanted to give these ladies more, but I can’t do it. Maybe if the chick in the blue wasn’t making cracka girl dance face…

– - Sailors seemed to be a big theme this year.  I see some other big themes. Get it? Of course you do, perve.

– – Not that I really know what she’s trying to be, or care, I’m just happy she’s at the party. Congrats to you, lady.

– - Cupcakes. 2 skillets for originality, but you lost a skillet because no one is going to eat the cupcake on the left. It’s like someone dropped it, or a flavor no one likes. Bubblegum Cupcake. That just sounds gross.

– - I love the black dude behind them. He’s clearly saying, “Daaaaamn,” and it’s clearly because he can’t see the front of these girls.

– - I like the girl in the middle that went as retard-with-an-upskirt. The rest of you are stupid. Why are you partying with your dad, anyways?

– – Well thank God someone decided to show up to the party acting like she gives a shit.

– - The fact that she’s totally coked out of her mind only makes the chick storm trooper costume more awesome.

– – Guh… That’s a good costume, sister.

– - Hahahah… shit cracks me up sometimes. What a mess.

- – Y’all deserve a 2, but there’s not much going this year. Sailors seem to be huge, and chicks on the left seem to be failing in every photo (Scroll to where you can’t see their faces. It’s better). And, stop looking at the camera, douche, no one is taking a photo of you. You’re not even dressed up.

– – YAY!!!!!

– – I feel like that hair thing had to take some effort. What’s the over/under on time she took off the hair? I say it was gone by 9.

– – As soon as I found this photo, I sent it to all of my friends. I don’t think we’re friends anymore. I wasn’t going to post this, but come on, how could I not, right?? Once you finish beating, please continue with the Hotties.

– – Ray and I spent the better part of yesterday trying to figure out if the boobs inspired the costume, or it the costume inspired the boobs. I say they’re stuffed. He prays they’re real(fake-real that is). The other part of the day was spent discussing Major League Baseball mustaches. Good life.

– – Some guys like moms. I don’t. I like grandma’s.

– – I give her all the credit in the world for being a smurf. I give her no credit for her ugly friends.

– – You can’t dress up as Asian if you’re Asian. That’s like a black guy being a basketball player, a white guy being white trash or Christian popping his collar. It’s Halloween. Try harder.

– – Ray summed up the Barracuda French Maid best, “I wouldn’t let her suck my dick. And, that’s really saying something.” Considering the chicks he’d let suck his dick, that really is saying something.

– – It just gets worse for chicks on the left (and I realize they’re actually on the right), but the chick on the right is making up for her lackluster performance. Plus, they match, which is always fun.

– – I think I’ve figure it out. Dudes went as Somali Pirates, right? Then they invaded the sailors? If that’s not what happened, then dudes are idiots.

– – And, Mexican’s can’t go as Mexican, girl on the far left. Let’s talk about how creepy this photo is (as opposed to the rest, right?) – Those bushes are really close to the camera. The dude on the right is like, “wait, he’s doing some creepy shit.” And, it’s in front of a Macy’s. Nothing good happens in front of Macy’s.

– – Wait, have we seen the chick on the left before? Well, she found a hotter friend, and she’s tucking the belly in. Score one for chicks on the left!! (I realize that I’ve made up a retarded theme, and am sticking with it. But, admit it, you’re not reading this shit, or looking at my rankings based on nothing, anyways.)

– Last, but not, well here he is, least – One of the best Jack in the Box Jack’s I’ve seen. This just couldn’t be ignored.

WE HAVE A LATE ENTRY!!!
– I want to shake these guys hands. Genius costume!

Well, I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween, and enjoyed this year’s Grading the Halloween Hotties 2009 as much as I did.

I’ve missed giving you guys music. I’ve missed the blog! And, since you’re going to be throwing a bitchin’ Halloween party this weekend (also, don’t forget the yearly special Toph’s Grading the Halloween Hotties comes out next week), I thought I’d give you some tunes to get the half-dressed Halloween ladies movin’ their tushies.

Some of these you may know these… some you may not. Look, I don’t know what you listen to. Maybe you know it, but you forgot about it. Whatever, dude.

Click the links to listen via Songza.

Jaydiohead – If you’re on my Twitter (@tophmiller2 and now @asktoph), then you’ve heard me talk about how much I dig this mashup. It is effin’ good. I actually like Life There the most, but Dirt of Your Android is genius. Download it free here – jaydiohead.com – Looks like dude just came out with a Beastie Boys. Dude’s good, man.

Noisettes – I dig this chick. She’s kind of badass. Listen to Don’t Upset the Rhythm and tell me that you can’t picture the chick in Playboy ears and tail dancing to this.

Girl Talk – If I’ve done my job, and I probably haven’t, then you already know about Girl Talk. You should be able to play this album and have the people dancing all night. Here’s another plus, pay what you want to get this album HERE. It’s worth however many pennies you decide.

Passion Pit – Dude, I really like these guys a lot. I can almost guarantee that most of you will hate them, and that’s cool. But, still, you should definitely. Check out Sleepyhead and Little Secrets. Fuck, I really like these guys.

David Guetta – I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of House ,or Electronic, or Techno, or whatever the fuck it’s called right now, but this dude is pretty legit. Tell me you don’t want to move your booty from side to side listening to him and Kelly Rowland. Come on! I dare you!

Have an amazing Halloween, y’all.

I figured the best way to kick off the blog to redemption was to do an Ask Toph, right? Believe me, if you could see the TophSpeaks inbox you’d be like, “whhhhhat?” Yeah, it’s that out of control. Let’s see if we can’t fix what’s been ailing you since… wow… December 11th, 2oo8…

Let’s get to it.

Mandy in Chino, CA – Hay Tophy, my boyfriend loves stupid sports, and I hate them. Sports are dumb, but I love him. Any advice you can give??? MUAH!

–Mandy, you are dumb, but that’s not for me to judge, because you’re probably hot (all my female readers are). Ladies, we’re not asking for much when it comes to watching sports. Really, there are 4 types of women when it comes to sports:

1. The girl who truly enjoys sports, maybe not all sports, but at least one. She can talk about the disadvantages of the Wildcat Offense, why the DH ruins baseball or that the 3point line should be extended. She’s cool, and if she’s hot, she’s amazing.

2. The girl who will watch the big games, and supports our fandom. We really like you. You look so hot in your Cowboys shirt, you’re cute when you yell for Jeets and my god, I love when you toss back and beer and a dog at the Mavs game. This girl admits that she’s not a big sports fan, and prefers going to the games rather than watching it on TV. We still like you a lot.

3. The girl who’d rather watch Sex in the City than watching anything sports related. We’re cool with you as long as you “get it.” Don’t bitch when we’re going to the bar to watch a game, and we’ll be okay. Don’t be pissed because we’re going to watch a meaningless game instead of watching Desperate Housewives, and we’ll be happy. Cross that line, though, and we’ve got problems. Like, get-out-of-my-life problems.

4. The absolute worst of them all? The girl that pretends to LOVE sports, just so she can get attention. I have met this girl. I hate this girl. I’d rather sit below a crippie-tard at a windy Mets game while he eats peanuts (aka… dumps them on me) than date this girl. This girl should be punched in the mouth.

Mandy, you’re sitting at #3. You have a choice here. You can play it safe and not bother him during games, or you can go buy a sexy vintage team shirt, and cheer for the team that matches you. It’s your choice, sister.

Chuck in Grand Rapids, MI – Sap, Toph. Where you been man? What the eff happened to you?

–Ugh, let me see if I can explain it. So, we used to be on DreamHost, which despite its name, is not a dream. It was slow, it was constantly down and it was, well, slow. Keep in mind that Ray hosts my site, along with many other sites. My site, with the 5 years of Skillets and other large files, is massive. During the export my shit got fucked up. Like that descriptive explanation? Well, it’s true. It all looked normal, except that everything but the text was stripped away.

The other issue was that a lot of the code on TophSpeaks got screwed up, too. So, I could no longer do galleries, or tags, or categories. We tried over many months to fix it, but nothing seemed to work. About this same time I became completely busy with work and didn’t have to time to dedicate to writing. When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was get on the computer. So, that was pretty much it.

I guess it was about 2 months ago I started to get the itch again. Figuring it would be a while before we were able to restore TophSpeaks.com, I decided to buy TophMiller.com and have it replace TophSpeaks.WordPress.com. So, I’ve been “restoring” TophSpeaks for about a month or so, and basically finished yesterday. Today I redirected TophSpeaks.com to it, and once I get everything completely restored I’ll, well, I don’t know what I’ll do.

You’ll notice we’re still missing some stuff, and I don’t know if I’ll bring it back (Skillets?). But, as far as being back, here I am.

Steve in LA – Toph, I need advice. I’m dating this chick. For anonymity sakes, let’s just say she goes to a Southwest university, and I met her here in LA where I live. I like her a lot, and I even went to visit her. Nothing really happened till the third night when we got completely sauced. We start making out and I’m doing things to her that would make her daddy cry, right? Just as I’m pulling off her unmentionables, she stops me and says, “I’m a virgin.” WHAAAAAT!? Bitch, look at my boner! She says she wants it to be special on her first time. Um, more special than me flying all the way from LA? Anyways, she goes to sleep a bit later, and I rub it out in the bathroom. I really want to take her virginity, Toph, but I’m worried she’s going to be all clingy and shit. But.. I mean, she’s a 21 year old virgin, dude.

–Congratulations, Steve, for the longest question ever. My god, man. You could have said, “Virgin. 21. I want to stick it. Help.” But, don’t worry, Steve, I can help. First of all, 21? That’s pretty old. She can already get into bars. Old. Secondly, you only have one chance to steal childhood hopes and dreams with your D. This is that chance. Get on a plane, sex that vag and throw a towel at it. Lastly, she will not be all clingy to you. Dude, you live in Los Angeles. You think after you bust it, she’s just going to sit around at The University of Southwest Dudes, and wait for you to return? Come on… 2 weeks tops before she’s neck deep in peen. Unleash the beast, man. I believe in you.

Mary – Jackson, MI – Mister Toph, listen here. I’m a good Southern Girl. Raised Baptist. But I have this problem. When I’m sittin’ in church, all I can do is think about sex. It’s crazy. I just sit there with my hands in my lap and look around the room at all the menfolk dressed up in their Sunday best and I think “My, I wonder what he looks like when he’s sweatin’?” Is this normal, Toph? Is there somethin’ wrong with me? Am I goin’ to Hell…the eternal damnation one, anyway?

–Your body is a temple…. something something something. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 -  If I had a temple, Mary, I’d want to decorate that in gold and awesomeness. Think about it and then join the Church of Toph. We need more Southern girls.

Rex in the San Joaquin Valley – Tophster – Let me give it to you straight since that’s how you give it to all of us. I finally joined The Facebook. Too many hotties on there not to. But, check it: I friended this fem I’ve been digging since I was 12. And now the old ball and chain’s bent out of shape that I didn’t friend her first. What’s up with that? What are all the unwritten rules of The Facebook?

–Come on, Rex, everyone knows that if you have a ball and chain that the last thing you should do is tell her you started a Facebook. Unless, of course, you’re not looking to cheat on her. I really need to break this down into two answers. 1. You love your ball and chain and 2. You’re trying to cheat on your wife… or 3. Both. Here we go.

—-1. Rex, of course, you should have befriended your wife first. Fucks wrong with you?

—-2. Rex, you made the biggest mistake of your life here, buddy. How in god’s name did you think you could sign up for the Book using your real name and not be found by your wife? You’re the kind of guy that shares email address with her, too aren’t you? RexLovesSusan@gmail.com. You idiot. And, Rex, you’re still chasing after a girl that you liked when you were fucking 12? Dude, that’s retarded. You had plenty of time to stick that, and yet you’ve continued to eff it up. In fact, what are you even doing married? Give Susan my Facebook, because she needs a real dickens. God, you’re retarded.

—-3. Rex!!! You moron! Look man, if you’re trying to cheat on your wife (which, is condoned here at TophSpeaks) you gotta create 2 Facebooks. You need to separate the lives completely. And, you cannot log in to your other one while at home. Rex, you’re not smart enough to access two FBs from the same location. You know you’ll save the password on accident. Then sexy Susan will come in and see – Email: RexIsSex@gmail.com – Password: ••••••••.

It is good to be back.

I’m working tirelessly (read: for about 10 minutes) to get some semblance of a blog up and running again.

Well, we’re close. I’m still missing a few things (where are the Skillets of the Week?!?!), but it’s going to be a lot easier to move forward now.

I’ve got a lot to catch y’all up on, as it’s been a year since I’ve written.

So, get ready, cause I’m back in this bitch.

Slowly, but surely you’ll start seeing TophSpeaks return to form. I’ve finally started working on the back filled blogs (you’ll see the latest Ask Toph’s now…), and hopefully we’ll have totally up and running normally in a couple of months.

In lieu of dwelling on the fall of the Toph Empire it’s time to start rebuilding. I will admit that I’ve had a lot in common with America. I mean, we both collapsed at the same time, but you’re finally getting glimpses of a recovery.

Unlike America, I fucking love spending money.

So, to start getting back to normal blogging life – here are a few things that I won’t be able to live without this summer.

Plastic Aviators – I freaking love these. They’re cheap, they’re easy to find and they’re badass. You should get some, if they look right. Don’t get shit just to get it.

Swim Trunks – I could go into a whole blog about trunks, and likely will, but in the meantime, just make sure you have some decent ones now.

Amazon Kindle – OK, I’m actually going to steal my friend, Beau’s, who just got his. Not going to lie, I’m pretty jealous. It’s perfect for San Francisco. Why wouldn’t you lay around in the park with this?

Longboards – I’m either going to need to get trucks on my board, or get a longboard… You should be able to find Ryan and I skating the Embarcadero this summer.

Fitted Tee’s – You didn’t spend the whole winter in the gym for nothing, did you?

The Perfect Flipflop – When it comes to flipflops, I generally go with Reef. Comfortable and durable… because if you’ve ever had your flipflip break while walking down the street, you know what I mean.

So, we’re continuing the last Ask Toph, and I’m tackling all of the emails I get about love, ladies and hitting on them.

I once said that I was like Angels in the Outfield. I get you to the World Series, but you have to play the game. See? (I Wish They All Could Be Myspace Girls)

Well, today, all of that changes. I’m finally answering your questions about opening and closing the deal, what to do while you’re doing the deal and other things I wouldn’t divulge before. It’s my secrets to being totally awesome all of the time revealed.

Keep in mind, this is one man’s opinion, and it’s worked for him 100% of the time. But, to be fair, have you seen me? I ooze sex.

Rod in Pasadena, CA – Ok, Toph, I’m in a bar, and I see a girl I like. What do I do?

–Hey, Rod. This is a very intimidating process, but you’re going to be OK. The first thing I like to do (liked… I’m married now, Rod.) is to make eye contact and smile. Look, you’re just going to have to go with me on this. Some dudes, they just blindly send a drink over. What do you think, douche, that the chick is going to talk to you out of drink buying pity? No. You make eye contact, and smile at her. If she smiles back, then you’re free to make a move. If she doesn’t smile back, and starts vomiting, or something, then don’t go talk to her. But, if she smiles, Rod, then you’re open to say hello, and probably fuck.

The next question will finish this…

Brandon in Charlotte, NC – Hey man, what do I say to girls when I meet them?

–You say, “Hello, I’m Brandon in Charlotte, NC.” OK, maybe just stick with your name. Seriously, that’s all it takes. Say something funny, or something to effect of, “I never do this, but I had to come over and meet you.” You know what’s crazy? Everything after that pretty much takes care of itself. I mean, you need to keep eye contact and maybe witty, and at least act like you care about what she’s talking about. And, Brandon, remember her name. Hell, sing it in a song if it helps, but you should use her name a few times in conversation. It sends a signal to her that you’re actually interested. Don’t be like, “Oh, cool, Brandy. Brandy, would you like another drink, Brandy?” No, that’s weird, and how come whenever I type “Brandy” I really want to type Moesha? Anyways, be yourself, unless yourself really sucks. Then, be like me. I just so happen to be remarkably charming, witty and funny. So, being me rules.

Look at you guys… asking the right questions at the right time…

Chuck in Philadelphia, PA – Ok, Toph, let’s say I’m talking to her, right? Well, what’s next? What do I do?

–That depends, Chuck. Do you want to poke her, take her out, get her number? What do you want to do Chuck? Here let’s break down each scenario, OK.

—–You want to make sexual sauce with her: Well, this isn’t as easy as it used to be. You have to be on your game to have a one-nighter. Chuck, man, you have to get her drunk. I’m sorry, but it’s the way that it is. (Or, as one of my lady friends admits, “Be friends with my cousin’s husband, apparently. But, I’ve slept with all his friends so, whatever.) In order for me to explain how to do it sober, well, let’s say I’ve got to go sleep eventually, and don’t have that kind of time on my hands. No, you have to get her out of the bar. I know this borders on creepy, but you’re the one who wants to know. Ask her if you can take her home, or share a cab, or something. Get her out of the bar, and go to her place somehow. I’ve said this a million times, dudes, no one-nighter’s at your place. In the short-term it works, but there are so many long-term risks.

—–Get her number: This is the easiest. Just say something to effect of, “I’d really like to call you sometime. It’s industry standard 2 days, right?” Something clever, you know, then ask for her number, and pray it’s not a fake. I will say, for the record, I’ve never gotten a fake number. But, I’m also really good at what I do. You have to be able to read people, you know.

—–Take her out: This is sort of in the “get her number” topic, but this actually involves you setting a date. Give her 3 days in advance for a date, pick her up and pay for it. At least, for the first one. Open all the doors, and walk her to her door- I don’t know when these two things stopped being normal. You know what happens when you walk girls to their doors (my Dad literally told me this when I was 13)? They kiss you, and ask you to come inside to do stuff. You want to do stuff, right?

Aaron is Baton Rouge, LA – Toph, how do I make my exit? What do I say, or do?

–Aaron, I’ve answered this before… but, it’s important, so I’ll repost it.

Tank in Des Moines, IA – Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.

- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.

It’s sound advice, Aaron, and I’ll expand a little on it. Get the fuck out of there. Do it quickly, quietly and swiftly. You don’t want to linger around, and have her get sick of you. Just go. Leave a note if you must, but make sure all that note says is, “Clean it.”

Jackie in Cleveland, OH – Hey cutes! How come guys are the worst at hitting on girls. Is it weird if I hit on a guy?

–Jackie, of course it’s not weird. In fact, it’s encouraged, but there are rules for the ladies, too. Here they are:

1) Be hot.

Tommy in Portland, OR – Toph, what if I’m, you know, putting it to a girl, and I can tell that she’s not into it. Anything I can do to make her like it?

–Besides putting it in her butt, Tom? There’s tons of stuff you can do to get her in it. In fact, there are people whose entire job is teaching other people what do to if she’s not in it. But, let’s talk about some quick and easy ways to turn things around for you. You could put it in her butt. She might be weirded out at first, but don’t worry, she’ll get used to it. Change positions into something that will make your peen go deeper into her vag. Like, putting her on her shoulders with her legs in the air. Or, on the edge on the bed with her back on the bed, while spreading her legs and burying that peen deep. You could flip her over, put a pillow under her stomach, close her legs and let the crazy friction juices go to work while you pound her vag. Add an Asian chick to the evening. Or, kiss her gently on her neck. You could even just blow your load on her chest. See? Tons of shit, Tom.

Jill in New Haven, CT – You’re my fucking hero, Toph, and I love you,

–I know, Jill… I know.

Sappinin’, suckas. I had a flooded inbox of Ask Toph questions on a variety of topics, so I thought I’d reach out to you, the little people, and answer your questions. Oh, and Mike, sorry I missed your email early November. You shouldn’t kill yourself. Life is too awesome. I mean, look at the photo above. Hope it’s not too late. As always, send you questions to Toph@TophSpeaks.com.

Lisa in Boston, MA – Toph, what do you like to when you’re bored? I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The Patriots stink, the Red Sox aren’t playing and the Celtics are sold out every night. I’m just a lonely girl in a cold, cold town.

– Lisa, let me be the first to say, “Suuuup…?” You do bring up a good point though; there is too much sex that should be easily had that is going without due to the cold weather. There should be a club that singles can go to that accepts an equal amount of men and women. You would be judged at the door. Hot ones get in early, and the later it gets the more uglies they allow in. This way, if you’re not making it happen, then your odds increase as the night goes on. They shouldn’t have dancing, because puts too much pressure on the dudes. No, it should basically be FriendFinder.com, but in a bar. Maybe they should just call it Friend Finder Bar or Pub or Tavern or something. I mean, what single isn’t going to this? Oh, the ones with dignity… got it.

Chuck in Reno, NV – Toph, thanks for everything you do. Not to point out the obvious, and guide your agenda on your own blog, but where are the skillets? I haven’t seen one in the past couple of weeks. Sup with that?

–Chuck, thanks for noticing the daily goings-on of the blog. I don’t want to say I’m burned out on the skillets, because I am not. However, I was thinking of maybe moving it to Skillet of the Month. With the weekly skillets, oftentimes I rely on it for new content. Then, I don’t write as much. What’s TophSpeaks without the writing? (Yes, I know writing is not speaking.) What do you think? Maybe I could do So-and-So To Brighten the Day more often or something. Of course, if you love the Skillets of the Week, then I’ll definitely keep pumping them out. It’s as much your blog as it is mine. (This is totally not true. It’s mine… ALL MINE!!!)

Rhea in Lousiville, KY – Hey Toph!! You’re always talking about this amazing life you live. What is it that you do, and how are you not broke like the rest of us?

–Hi, Rhea… While I’ll never tell you what company I work for, I will say what it is that I do. I work for this pretty kickass search engine marketing company in San Francisco. Basically, I do sales, account management and copy writing for the search engines. The sales and account manager side of the business is what allows me to go on all these trips, and have all these amazing stories. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. Now, the blogs, well, they’re not necessarily written while I’m at work. I just publish them during the hours, because readership is up then. Besides the work, and the blogs, there’s the podcast, the t-shirts, the children’s book… I do so much in so little time, Rhea.

Bob in Jackson, MI – Hey bud, thinkin’ about cheatin’ on my wife. Thoughts?

–Bob. Well, you have to set a list, and then make sure it checks off 100%. Since I don’t know your wife, I’ll do a list based on mine.

1. Would she cut off your penis? – Yes.

2. Would she not only murder you, but the chick, and probably everyone you know? – Yes.

3. Any chance of survival? – Nope.

4. Is she Mexican? – Yes.

5. Is this the worst idea ever? – Uh-huh.

Margie in Fayetteville, AK – Hey Cutes, I have finals coming up this week, and I didn’t prepare very well. Any ideas for how to cheat on the test?

–Man, we have a lot of cheaters today. And, is Arkansas AK, or AR? I don’t know. Now, Margie, I just so happened to be telling Dibs a story about how I started wearing 2 shirts at once. See, I didn’t so well in chemistry my first time around in high school, so, I had to take it again. Considering Mrs. Robertson hated me with all of her heart, I wrote the answers on the inside of my undershirt. That way, when the whore teacher would walk buy I’d be able to cover it. When she’d say stand up, you’re cheating, I would and there would be nothing to see! Suck it, Mrs. Robertson! Look at me now!

Phil in Rye, NY – So, I like this girl at work, and I don’t know what to do. I think she likes me, but I don’t know. How can I know, Toph?

–Phil, it’s a tough fucking world out there. Ladies are the hardest part about it, too. We could figure out the world’s economic crisis faster than we could sort out women. But, I will tell you this, Phil, just fucking go for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you should just go for it. The worst thing that will happen is she’ll say no… and, be really creeped out by it. Then, she’ll probably tell all of your coworkers that that loser, Phil, asked her out on a date. “HAHHAHAHA… Fuckin’ Phil??!!? HAHAHAHA…” They’ll all say. Your boss will hear about it, and at that point the story is that you’re stalking her and shit. So, you’ll be taken to court for sexual harassment, and you’ll definitely lose your job. Phil, you’re losing your job at the worst possible time, because of the economy (we talked about the economy before, remember?). And, guess what, Phil, Rye is an expensive town. You undoubtedly have a mortgage that you have to pay for. How can you do that with no job, and mounting lawyer fees? Plus, you’re still paying off the debt from college, as well as your mom’s hospital bills. She’s sick; Phil, and you gotta step up and be man here. And, guess what? You just found out that Michelle, remember from NYU that weekend, is pregnant with your kid. Phil, dude, you’re fucked – All because you asked some chick on a date. Ouch.

Christmas is the most wonderful time in the world. I know it, you know it, everyone friggin’ knows it. Let’s look at the breakdown of awesomicity.

1. Making sweet, gooey love in the snow.

2. Riding reindeer all night long.

3. Mrs. Claus is finally alone for the night. (Rawr…)

4. Chicks in Santa Hats and Stockings.

5. Me in a Santa Hat and Stockings… (mmmmm…)

OK, so it’s really none of those things. It’s the presents, which is why I bring you Toph’s Holiday Gift Guide every year. Here’s last year’s in case you haven’t been keeping up.

To make it easy, let’s just keep the same template I used last year, which was – No Brainer gifts, and must-haves for him, her and the kids.

Merry Christmas!

No Brainer Must-Haves

iPhone 3G Gift Card – Seriously, could you imagine getting a gift card for Christmas, being kind of pissed off, then realizing it’s actually for the iPhone? You’d piss yourself with excitement wouldn’t you? Unless, of course, you already have a 3G iPhone. At that point, it’s probably best to not say anything, and just pretend to be thrilled.

15″ Mac Book Pro – Why not stick with Apple? This has made the list two years running, and the new one kicks the old one’s ass. (Sorry old one, which I am currently writing this article on, but you, too, know it’s true.) This is billed as the greenest laptop on the market, but really, who gives a shit? It’s the best piece of technology out there, and it’s only $2,799!!

Nintendo WiiFit – I mean, you’ve seen this video, right? What about this one, or this one, or this one? It’s still $89.99, so buy it, film it and put it on YouTube. (All videos can be submitted to Toph@TophSpeaks.com… please, no dudes or uglies.)

Sanyo – Xacti 8MP Digital Camcorder – Finally, you too can have a sex video online. This little guy kicks ass, and it’s size will give the best angles possible so you can capture that moment of glory. Available for only $399.99.

A Road Bike – The Big 3 automakers are going under, and it’s up to you get ahead of the game with a bicycle. Sell your car, it’s going to be useless soon anyways. (Maybe you shouldn’t sell your car…)

Must-Haves for Her

Chooka Classy Classic – Dibs has been begging for these all month. I’m still not sure she’s been good enough this year to receive a gift… we’ll see. These rain boots are available for $60.
Dots iPhone Gloves – Now that she has her iPhone, how is she going to use it in the cold? Dots Gloves has the answer. These are pretty sweet gloves, with dots on the finger tips for iPhone usage. Um, perfect.

Ralph Lauren Rugby – Something I have learned with Dibs in the past year is that I can’t go wrong when I buy stuff for her are Rugby. And, if that doesn’t work, then Martin + Osa and Banana usually do the trick. Of course, when all that fails, Victoria’s Secret is always good for everyone involved.

Fiji FInePix Camera – It’s a good camera for her, plus it comes in some pretty sweet colors. Colors are important in a camera now, you know? 8 megapixels, 5x zoom, face recognition and a stabilizer for only $179.99.

TiVo – Series2 Dual Tuner Digital Video Recorder w/80-Hour Capacity – Get her a gift you can both enjoy. Plus, TiVo pretty much kicks ass. You know you want to for only $149.99.

Sony – BRAVIA 32″ 720p Flat-Panel LCD HDTV – Since you’re getting “her” a TiVo, you should probably go ahead and get her a new TV, too. Go with the Sony LCD. They say their the best for video games, but she doesn’t need to know that, right? Available for $585.99. (Or go with the 40″ 1080 for $999.99, big baller.)

Must-Haves for Him

Burton Playmates Snowboard – OK, so maybe these are being banned at most resorts, but they’re still pretty damn awesome. I don’t actually know how they ride, but it’s Burton, so you’re in good hands. I wouldn’t worry about the price, because it’s one of those things you should just own. It’s $429, but I still wouldn’t worry about it…

Burberry Haymarket Check Card Case – I mentioned this last year, and had a similar Coach one under the tree. If you didn’t listen to me then, do it now. This wallet rules. It caused me to slim down my wallet, and I don’t have a huge lump sticking out of my ass. I also don’t stress that it’ll get stolen when I leave the house. It gets my biggest recommendation this year. It’s pricey at $170, but you can go cheap and find it elsewhere I’m sure.

Mio Knight Rider GPS Portable Navigation Device – Tell me you just didn’t get a boner thinking of this being under the tree. Yes, it talks in KITT’s voice, and yes, those lights work. Word on the streets is that it kind of blows as a GPS, but who cares, right? It talks like KITT! Available for $269.99.

Nolan, Jeets and Jordan Figurines- Todd McFarlane makes awesome stuff. Why wouldn’t you want a foot tall Jeets or Jordan? They’re only like 30 bucks.

Must-Haves for the Kids

wall-e Exclusive 16 Inch Programmable Robot – Um, tell me this isn’t badass? This blog isn’t big enough for me to tell you what it all does, so read for yourself. And, don’t worry that it’s $399.99, your kids smile (and yours) is priceless.

Starter Knives Young Cooks Cutting Set – This is a pretty cool gifts that the children in my family want. The glove protects their hands from the knives, so they can help their moms cook. Pretty badass, and only $29.95.

Star Wars Bedroom – Shit, you could get this for me. How badass would it be to wake up in a Star Wars comforter again?

Aly & AJ Guitar Hero Guitar – I don’t know who these chicks are, but their Guitar Hero guitars kind of rock. If I got this for Dibs, she’d love it, plus, they’re only $49.99.

It’s Diabla’s favorite holiday. Why? Well, I buy her a shitload of lingerie, because I created a holiday called Thanksgerie. As soon as we’re done with the turkey, we get to sexin’ in her new outfits. (As long as it’s after the Cowboys game.)

It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved. I get delicious turkey. She gets delicious sexual healing. Why wouldn’t you celebrate Thanksgerie.

All you have to do is buy your lady something sexy to say thanks for making you the delicious Thanksgiving meal. She worked hard, and now you’re going to repay her sexually.

It just makes sense, fellas.

I hope you all enjoy Thanksgerie!

Anyways, here’s a lot of random chicks in lingerie, because, well, we’re celebrating Thanksgerie.

Word.